This past January, I had the pleasure of hosting the SSW’s up-and-coming class of initiates at my condo in North Jersey. There, we learned the ins and outs of how to survive the cold season, and did some serious bonding along the way.
I promised everyone I would collect the retreat’s lessons into a blog post for easy reference. So without further ado, here’s how to stay “chill” in the chilly season, Tallus-style.
But first, why winter survival?
After all, are survival skills even necessary following Ascension? Yes. Maybe.
For starters, the promised Hyperburrow unto which the Sky Worm shall deliver us isn’t necessarily devoid of weather. In fact, some theorize the opposite. Like our very own Elder Facilitator, Mark Garrison:
“The Hyperburrow is glorious beyond mortal comprehension. So while we can’t map it out with certainty, we can assume comfort, coziness, and in all likelihood, hot chocolate. From there we can deduce the presence of a cozy hearth and snowy exterior. This model necessitates some snuggling, a large-breasted servant, and a strong DVD collection including Anchorman and the Matrix box set.”
– Elder Mark Garrison
Mark makes a compelling case for the existence of a Hyperburrian winter. And as the Hyperburrow’s virgin flock, we have to be more than just prepared – we must embrace the cold with open, loving arms.
LESSON I: Where in the heck is the warmth at?
Picture this:
you’re cast into an infinite plane of blinding white, snowy tundra. You can’t tell up from down and your sense of touch is fading by the second. The piercing bitter air is clawing at your airways, reducing every breath to a squealing wheeze more pathetic than the last. What do you do?
Answer:
rub two sticks together.
The rubbing of two sticks will produce the necessary friction to heat your body. And once your body’s warm, all you gotta do is put those two sticks on a few other sticks to make a fire.
Rubbing sticks together is the foundation of survivalism; any proper outdoorsman will attest to that. It’s honestly insane how few people know this. Even on this very retreat, the initiates were looking at me like I was crazy. Initiates are so STUPID!!
LESSON II: Alternate Heat Absorption Methods
But what if you’re dropped into a part of the Hyperburrow that doesn’t have sticks? Don’t panic. These heat absorption methods will keep you warm no matter the resources.
GROUND ABSORPTION
There’s so much warmth inside of the ground. Arguably an entire world’s worth. Straddle it with your body to get it in you.
TREE ABSORPTION
On Earth, no sticks usually means no trees either. But the Hyperburrow is a land unlike any other. So if you spot a stickless tree standing girthily in the frost, wrap your body around it to receive its loving warmth.
EATING LEAVES
Only OG survivalists know about this one. While leaves may look like common trash littering our forests, they actually contain enough caloric energy to ward off cold in emergencies. Don’t believe me? Go outside and eat some leaves right now. You’ll get really warm.
LESSON III: What To Do When You Get Really Sick
Sometimes all the grit and outdoorsmanship in the world can’t save you from physical illness. In moments like these, it’s important to remember why we’re a community. Never let your pride get in the way of survival.
A sip of water. A soothing back rub. A mere holding of hair while I vomit.
Simple gestures of care that transform initiates into future facilitators. For that is an initiate’s duty, and the bedrock of our society. You don’t wanna crack the bedrock, do you?
LESSON IV: Moving On Up
At some point, you’ll need to graduate from the wild. After all, this is a utopia! While the road to riches in the Hyperburrow remains uncertain, we can draw parallels using earthly scenarios.
On our retreat, I demonstrated this process to my initiates by promoting my habitat from “bad living situation” (a condo in the woods) to “good living situation” (my initiate Gary’s couch.)
To be clear, these good and bad labels are mere representations. No reasonable person would call a rustic, charming abode like my condo a “bad living situation.” This is just an exercise, for learning purposes.
FINAL LESSON: Passing the Baton
Your winter survival plan doesn’t simply end upon the survival of winter. As a community, we need to teach the next wave of initiates so they can one day teach their own. That’s why I took one for the team and allowed my initiates to continue their survival practice at my condo, where their burgeoning skills will one day lead us to a glistening utopia in the frigid Hyperburrow.
As for me? I’m content with Gary’s apartment, if only for a little while. Glory awaits us all, but right now I remain humble. As all Facilitators should.
That’s all for now, thanks for reading and also you’re welcome. If anyone knows where Gary got those honey biscuit things in the pantry, shoot me a text or drop by the pad. Thanks.
–Tallus